The Story of You

I have this funny feeling, something won't stop trickling in and out of my heart and mind.

It's a story I go back to from time to time.

"It begins with me and ends with you.

I told myself to hold my breath, it never seemed right.

But I couldn't stop myself, because the dangerous feelings I had were all so new.

So I let myself go, but heard a whisper that said hold on tight."

I thought I knew what I was doing, what I was feeling.

I thought you knew too.

But while I did the falling, you did the stealing, and you never cared from the beginning.

You never knew what you were doing to me, and that's where I went wrong.

It's funny how I thought I could stay strong, but when it came to this I only felt lost.

Because these wonderful feelings were just so wrong.

"It began with me and ended with you.

I didn't hold my breath even though it didn't seem right.

I didn't stop myself from the feelings that were new.

I let myself go and ignored the whisper that told me to hold on tight."

It's a story I can easily tell, because I remember it all so well.

You taught me to listen to that whisper that told me to never let go.

I'm a Junior....Where Has the Time Gone?

It's Junior year, a new year. Eleventh grade, but seriously, where has the time gone? I have two years of my highschool career left and before I know it, I'll be graduating! But, for right now I want to slow down life and not think about that, just live for the moment that I'm in. I've been scared of Junior year since my Freshman year, everyone just talked about how hard, stressful, and tiresome eleventh grade was. Now that it is here, I don't even know how I feel about it. All summer I just tried to keep the thoughts of the upcoming school year out of my head, I wouldn't even talk to people about it. But, as I talked to God about it, I realized that even thought this will be a challenging, stressful year, I'm going to make it the best year. I want to make awesome memories, and achieve goals. I have many different goals that I want to accomplish this year, training harder, eating better, growing more spiritually, make straight A's, and many more. All of these goals are going to be quite difficult, but with God, awesome friends and family, I know I can do it. Thinking about this upcoming year makes me tired, but I'm so excited about it too! I am taking some difficult classes this year, that really scare me, and with one of my goals being that I make straight A's, it just blows my mind. Part of me, the negative side, wants to believe that this is an impossible goal to achieve. But, I need to focus on what God tells me and I know that the scripture I will turn to this year will be Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" I'm nervous, but this will be an awesome year!

A Best Friend is the Best

I've had plenty of friends in my life. Sure, I've even called a lot of them best friends. But, sadly, none of them are still my friends. It is not for reasons like, I moved away, or they moved away, no, something always happened. They either got mad at me and "hated" me or just moved on. But as you grow up you realize it isn't important to have many friends, but to have a few good, close ones. To this day, I have a true best friend. No matter what I could do, say, or anything to make her not be my friend. Trust me, I've messed up so many times. Yes, we do get mad at each other, but never for very long, we just can't. She is one of the truest friends in the world! I can trust her with everything and we always laugh until we cry when we are together! We can just look at eachother and know what we are thinking. A best friend is so great to have, especially when you have one like mine! She is crazy, but I wouldn't trade her for anything else....well, maybe some candy. :)

Camp Wetoga

I had a life changing expercience this week at a camp in Georgia, Camp Wetoga. I've never been so blessed by so many children before! The deal with this camp was having one kid to a counselor. All about the relationships with the children. The bus pulled up on Monday at one in the afternoon and my legs were like jello and my heart was pounding. So many negative thoughts were running through my head. The kids got off the bus and I go find one of the main counselours to ask her to help me find my girl, Tisheba. We find her and the first thing she does is hug me! I was shocked, but so relieved. From then on, me and Tisheba (Meka) were best friends! I liked that I actually could connect with her and get to know her, rather than just asking questions like hey, what's your favorite color? Instead we talked about One Direction, and Justin Bieber, and all those fun girly subjects! Meka was probably the best camper there! I never had to get on to her, she never complained, and she loved EVERYONE. She was always so interested in the bible lessons and was always full of questions! Meka participated in everything we did and always enjoyed herself and hanging out with her friends and me! It was amazing to have so many little sisters, especially her! Another fantastic part of my week was sharing a cabin with some other awesome girls! Of course, I knew most of the counselors but not all of them, two were strangers and one was from our group, I just didn't really know her. I made some amazing friends this week, and their girls where amazing too! It was like a big, fun sleep over every night! I just loved all of the children this week! They just wanted to be held and giggle all the time! I also learned a lot about myself this week. My whole aspect on my attidude has been changed drastically! I usually am pretty good at complaining and being negative and not looking at the bright side of things. Well, I knew this week that I could not do that, I had to stay focused and be happy and positive! Which, was really hard at some points, like when you were really hot, tired, or hurting. But seeing all the kids, and my girl being positive helped me so much to do the same! Especially when it came to doing an activity that I didn't want to do. The first day of camp was the hardest, adjusting to the kids clinging to you, adjusting to having to stay busy at all time, and being very hot! But, by Tuesday, especially Wednesday I knew how things worked and I was really connected to my girl! I had such a fun time this week and just wished it never ended! Last night was the last night, the hardest night ever. After dinner, realization began to sink in that I would be leaving these beautiful children the next morning. I tried so hard not to cry, but I just wept. Then, after we were finished with all the activities for the night, so many of the children clinged to their counselor or another one and just cried. It broke my heart to hear their little voices saying that they didn't want to go home. I finally sucked it up by the time we got back to the cabin to have a fun last night with the girls! But, the next morning came too soon and the goodbyes came too soon also. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I just cried and cried. Putting those children on the bus that was taking them home instead of packing them up in my car, was devastating. I'm still pretty weepy, but I'm going to be just fine. I know that this past week is a week I'll never forget! I love those kids and hope to go back again next year!

Oh, Sweet, Sweet Georgia

This summer just seems to have gone by faster than I can even wrap my head around! I feel like it was just yesterday that was the last day of school! Anyway, tomorrow, July 22nd, I leave for Georgia! This week I and a ton of other people, will be doing a camp for the inner city children in Atlanta! Reality is not really sinking in yet though, I mean, I know I'm leaving tomorrow but it just doesn't seem real yet. Tomorrow, we will head to Six Flags to just hang out with the other group and get to know them better! Then, we will head down to the camp, which is Camp Wetoga! I just worked with inner city children in St.Louis a few weeks ago, but this trip will be so different than that! At St.Louis we worked with the children for all of maybe four hours for three days! Monday-Thursday we go, go, go all day long! Not only that, but each counselor has their own kid to be with for the week! So, it seems like it will kind of be like the buddy system. I'm really excited about having my own kid, but I'm also nervous. I really want my heart to be all there this week with those children. Especially the one kid I'll be glued to! I want to just love, love, love he/she as much as possible without driving the poor child crazy. :) I'm nervous that I'll do something or say something wrong to the kid, or that the child just won't like me. I know that it seems so silly, that is just how I feel. But, I know that this is where God wants me this week and that according to His wonderful plans everything will be amazing and fall into place just like it should! I'm loving the mission trips I've been going on this summer, and it has really made me want to become a missionary sometime, maybe even after college. But, that is just if that is what God wants me to do. If it happens, all credit goes to Him. I would love to go to Honduras and Africa, just digging deeper with the work and loving more and more children! God is so good! Georgia is going to be a trip I'll never forget!

Who We Really Are....

I'm just so lucky to be apart of the college group at my church, Stones River. I know, I'm not in college, but my aunt does cook for the college kids and we do not have yoth group on Wednesdays, so that is why I am there. I have been extremely blessed with being with all of the college students over the past year! I've made so many good friends, and they are the best people to look up to! Also, our preacher is the one who speaks on Wednesday nights. Tonights "lesson" was about who we really are. He basically talked about when we look in the mirror, who do we see? Obviously, we see our faces. But, when you cover your face, and believe by faith, you should see Jesus. 2,000 years ago on a cross, Jesus took who we "were" away. When God looks at us, He sees Jesus. I took away from that lesson...That in all reality, if we aren't actually believing all the GOOD things Jesus tells us, that we are seriously lost. I can't look in the mirror and believe that I'm a sinner, ugly, judged, broken, whatever, and actually believe what Jesus says that I am. Grasping the good news, the great gift that God has given us, just blows me away! Jesus said, "You are holy and blameless in my sight". He doesn't judge us, he doesn't look down on us, he isn't disappointed with us. He loves us. Jesus took it all. We just need to accept this beautiful gift. It is free. We just have to recieve it. I'm learning how to just say yes. Wake up, and say yes. Never say no to God. Accepting what He has in store for me, because obviously His plans are far better than mine. Look in the mirror and see Jesus, say yes to God, and believe and accept the gift of His love and grace!

Where I Left My Heart Behind -St.Louis 2012

This past week, June 25th through the 29th, I went to St.Louis with Madison Church of Christ. All along I knew that I was going up there to work with the inner city children. That sounded so simple, and so enjoyable. But, in the end, I realized that is was much, much more than just being excited to love on the children. With being human...and a teenager, I'm not sure my heart was all there the whole week. At times I was goofing off, or thinking about me and not the children. I was somewhat disappointed in my behavior. But, I also had to take the time to think about this past week last night after our final class. Yes, I was distracted with the games my friends were playing, but I was also lost in thought about the past three days with the Inner City children. I'm not saying I did terrible and didn't make a difference, no, not at all! I know that I played, smiled, laughed, and loved with those children this week, and surprisingly, it was really hard! I thought loving on some children and playing games would be easy....But easier said than done. This week was definetly a learning experience for me, and maybe some others too. I had an amazing time though! Singing, laughing, and playing games with the kids was so much fun! I really felt like by the second and especially the third day that they could let down their walls and just hang out with us! It was SO cool! I expected, especially the little kids, to be grumpy, or not listen, and just not want to be bothered, but man, they just laughed, smiled, and wanted to be held! I was surprised that I was so willing to let them cling to me, get on my back, or just hold them. I'm not a very touchy person, but I never said no, or hated every minute of it. I loved them. All of them. I really wish I would have been more into it and had my heart and head completely there. Like I said, this trip was a learning experience, and I want to go back for sure! I realize that I'm not going to do everything right, but will be praying and learning more about where I am in my game before I go on a mission trip. I really would love to go to Honduras someday, maybe even Africa. I realize that it will be WAY harder than just doing a three hour VBS, but after this week, I'm willing and wanting to pray, ask God for guidance, and go. I loved, loved, loved St.Louis though! Even if I didn't go with Madison, I'd love to go again!

Following the Calling -Teaching and Children

I am beyond excited for what God is leading me to do in my life! As I'm getting older, I'm being called to be a leader, teacher, and just to love on children. Really, it has always been a passion to teach, and I've always had a huge heart for children! This coming week, June 17-21 I will be going to Church Camp, and this year it will be different because I'm the oldest girl! At first, I was a little weirded out because, I'm just sixteen, just a Junior, not old enough to be the oldest. So, when I was told that I was looked at as a leader, that took a while to sink in. But, after talks with God, and arguements with myself. I know where I stand and would love to lead the younger generation! So, at camp I will be doing a brief bible story with the younger girls in the youth group! I am overjoyed about this! It won't be much, but I still hoping to make an impact on those girls lives. Then, the week after camp, I will be going on my very first mission trip to St.Louis to work with the Inner City children! We will be doing basically a VBS with them, and I just can not wait for this trip! I will be in the music department with the children! Yeah, we will be doing music with them, but my main focus is to pour the love of God on these children, to make them realize that they are LOVED and that God is the best father anyone could ask for! I am so thankful that God is giving me opportunities to do what I love!

Townsend, Way Up in the Mountains With My Family!

Wow, so I just got back from one of the most amazing weekends that I have had in a long time! On May 19th my family and I left for Townsend, Tennessee! Of course, the three hour drive was not the greatest, but finally the mountains were in view and I was so excited! Then, on the drive up the mountains to our cabin was a bit intense....but absolutely gorgeous! Finally we arrived at our cabin which was splendid along with an awesome view of the mountains! Our God makes beautiful things for sure! On Sunday we just relaxed and then went down the mountain to have a progressive dinner! So we biked four about five miles to get pizza then hopped in the cars to go get ice cream! Monday we went to Metcalf Bottoms which is a place to have a picnic and enjoy the creek! A very nice day to sit in the sun and read a good book! Tuesday me and some of the girls went down to Townsend to do a little shopping, which of course, was fun! Then that night we went to Cades Cove where we saw quite a few bears! It also rained on us, but eh, it was still fun and beautiful! Wednesday morning a few of us got up pretty early to go ride our bikes around Cades Cove! While this is totally fun, it is quite exhausting! 11 miles up hills can be a little tricky, but always worth it! Then we went and ate and shopped some more! Thursday we went hiking! Hiking is one of my favorite things to do! We went on the Little River Trail and it was about seven miles! It was absolutely stunning! Friday we went tubing! I love to tube and so does my family! We went down the river twice and both times had a blast! Tubing was one of my favorite things we did this past week other than me getting a pretty intense sun burn. Friday night we had an incredible steak dinner and just enjoyed each others company. Not many people go on trips where they go with their whole family and just spend time together, but honestly, I wouldn't want to do it any other way! I got to experience more of Gods beauty this week and got closer to my family! This week was amazing and I'm looking forward to it again next summer!

Mothers Day

Mothers day is quite an odd holiday for me. Seeing that I don't have a mom on earth anymore. She went home to worship with Jesus almost seven years ago. Time flies, even when it goes by without someone you love to share it with. The first few Mothers day were very strange, I was not as sad as I was, angry. For the longest time I resented losing my mom. I clearly thought it was just totally unfair. So the first Mothers day, I just cried, but I was ten. Then the next couple of years I pretended that there was not a Mothers day. But, two years ago my sister and I went to my moms grave site in Clarksville to put flowers on her grave. For some reason that day, my heart healed...a lot. Of course I cried, but some of those tears were tears of joy. I started to realize the beauty of losing a loved one. She might of "died" but she went to live....with Jesus! Which in all honesty, I rather her be there than here. God healed my heart of the wounds her death left me with, and all the memories that haunted me and made me sad on Mothers day. Last Mothers day a really good friend on mines mom died from cancer about a week before. So, instead of mourning of my mother, I mourned with her and encouraged her through the process I was well experienced with. But as good as our God is, He gave me an incredible friend that day! And ever since me and my friend connected through losing our moms, it has been incredible to talk to someone who has and is going through the same thing as me. So tomorrow is Mothers day, and I not only want to remember the beautiful lady I shared Mothers day with every year before she died, but I want to celebrate my Aunt Jami! Of course, this seems odd unless you know my journey. Three years ago I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and three cousins. But now three years later, I consider my cousins brother and sisters, and where it is a little different with my aunt and uncle, they are still really close to me. I know that my aunt never wanted or wants to replace my mom, but she has been the closest thing to it and it has meant so much to! If I didn't have her, I might just be lost. So tomorrow, I will celebrate many things, the memories of my mom and her celebrating Mothers day in heaven with Jesus, expressing thoughts with my friend who lost her mom a year ago, and celebrating my wonderful Aunt Jami! God is good, He is faithful. In times of trouble and when you think your world is going to end, He picks you and does the "impossible".

The Truth, and Only the Truth

Gee, believing the lies that the devil tells us is pretty easy eh? Sometimes, it is way too easy to listen to the negative thoughts that the evil one tells us daily. I sometimes don't even realize I am believing thouse lies until someone tells me. They get so planted in your head that you truly believe it is real. Well, the lies are simply lies, and you learn from Jesus how to distinguish the lies from the truth. The way I had to look at it was what I am hearing a negative or a positive thought? All negativity comes from the evil. I have to work on not letting the lies take captive on my life. That is a really hard concept to learn, also learning to speak against how the devil tries to deceive into our minds. I honestly, was one of the most negative people I have ever met! The negativity and lies just flowed out of me. A lot of that came from what was told to me my whole life by my friends, or just whoever. Then, I moved here to Murfreesboro with new people and my family who knew the truth. It took the longest time for me to even recognize the lies that I was believing. To this day I still have a hard time fighting against all the stuff the devil tries to tell me. But the truth is so good and comes from the Holy One. God tells us to seek the truth, and the truth will set you FREE! He means this and it is such an important concept to realize. I am working everyday on myself just to try to stop believing the lies and focus on the truth. I encourage everyone to accept the truth, and only the truth!

Where You Belong

I'll never quite understand why you had to go.

But sometimes, pain is what makes us grow.

I loved you with everything I had, and when you left,

I felt like I'd never love again.

It was just that bad.

And though you'' never be here anymore,

I'll keep shutting that painful door.

I'll hold onto you for too long,

and then I'll let you go, because

I know where you belong.

Day by day the memories of you made

everything seem okay.

I know you're in a better place,

but I wish you would have stayed.

But moving on is the price I had to pay.

Though you're not here anymore.

I've learned to shut that painful door.

I held onto you for so long, but I finally

let you go because I know where you belong.

Jesus paid it all, so that when you took your fall,

He would pick you up and take you where you belong.

And that took me too long to see, that He has made you free.

Listening and Following Your Heart, or God's?

For the longest time, well really, my whole life, I've done everything for my own benefit. They say to follow your heart and not your mind. I thought that was a really good idea, every time I wanted something, or wanted my own way. When really, I should be following God's heart. He knows all the answers, knows my future, and has incredible plans for me. So, why don't I follow Him instead of myself? I'm not really sure, but what I do know, is that I will be seeking more of His truth and goodness, because the more I learn, the more I want to listen to Him, not my own voice or heart. I want to be more like Jesus, not Kristen! Of course, I want to be the person God made me to be, but He created me to have choices and a mind of my own. I'm tired of telling myself to listen to my heart when something comes up. So, from now on, I rather correct myself, and listen to God, He has all the answers. He is listening waiting to tell you what you need to hear. Even though sometimes, we don't hear what we want to! He knows what is best for us, and we, do not. I encourage you to listen to His voice, find His voice, it is surprising what can happen when you truly listen. But take that chance, His ears are open.

Finding God in the Hard Places

Lately, I have heard of quite a few deaths. Especially in the past week. From my experience, losing a loved one is probably the hardest thing you could go through. It hurts me to sit back and watch my good friends hearts break from losing family members, or friends, or whoever. But, there is beauty in the heart break because we serve a good God! When my mother died I focused on everything and anything negative. People would tell me that everything was going to be okay, or that something good will come of this. Being a nine year old little girl who just lost her mother, I thought they were all lunatics. But, four years later God showed me His goodness, love, and faithfulness. All of the questions and confusion I had been dealing with just....vanished. Even though it hurts so much when you lose someone you love, and you are confused, and the only question you can ask yourself and everyone around you is "why"? The pain and suffering that the ones we loved died of, is gone. Vanished. They are celebrating a new life of being healed, with JESUS! How great is that! There are no more tears, and pain, and medicines, and doctors. They are free. They might have lost the battle of cancer, or cirrhosis of the liver, but they won the victory of going home to be with the holy one, the healer and protector. And that right there, is beautiful. I wish I would have known all of the good things God does and all of the truth when I was nine. But, it is just apart of my story and watching the beauty that God creates. Sometimes, you just have to look farther ahead and stay positive rather than looking back into the past and focusing on the negative. I miss my beautiful mom everyday, but she finished her work here on earth and it was time for her to go. I'm blessed to know that she is with Jesus in heaven and I will join her one day as well! I encourage the ones who read this who have lost a loved one, to focus on the celebration of their life, not their death. You just have to find God in the places where it seems impossible, I promise, He is there.

Listening and Rejoicing.

Sometimes, the bigger picture that we imagine, isn't as big as we thought it was. Sometimes, we just think to much. People, and I as well, look for everything we want way out of reach, when really it is right in front of our eyes. Life is way more simple than we try to make it to be. Jesus died because He loves us. That's it. I personally, search for so many answers and have to much confusion running through my head and my own personal thoughts when I should just be listening to His voice. Listening is something I need to learn how to do, and so do others. Jesus said, search for me and you will find me. We can not do that by ourselves. We need to listen and obey. I've been spending too much time on me, others, and trying to please others when I should be pleasing Jesus, my big brother who saved me from Hell and hatred. HE is the reason I rejoice!