A Time For Change

Do you ever just look in the mirror, and wonder who you see? Is it who you want it to be? I tend to see myself as someone else often. I've always wanted to be someone else, not myself, ever. I know that not just I, but others, often girls, say that they wish they were like some other girl, or that they looked better, or could do this or that. I've always been that person. I'm never satisfied with who I am, who God made me to be. Sure, there have been parts of my life that have led me to think this way. It's taking a lot of learning just to think of myself as anything above wrong. I'm constantly believing these lies that I'm not good enough, and that I never will be. I think that is one of the main lies most people believe about themselves. The past few years I have been learning more of the truth, that God made me in His image, and I am perfect in His eyes. And even though I know this to be true, I'm not sure how much my heart believes it, my head may, but my heart might not. There is a fine line between knowing something, and believing it. I want to spend my summer changing, not making myself into someone else, just improving who I am in Christ. I'm tired of this feeling on negativity all day, everyday, and constantly worrying what other people think of me, because honestly, it doesn't even matter. I should be living to glorify God, not people, because people will only let you down. I see this summer as a time for change, and new beginnings.

Identity, Yours, Mine, and Ours

Identity is such an interesting concept. Identity, who you are. The definition of you. I know my identity is in Christ, but sometimes it feels like I don't actually believe it. I try to find my identity in my looks, or in people, or a guy. I constantly have to remind myself to find myself in God, not things of the world. We were knitted together in our mothers wombs by the hand of God, the Creator, we are made up of Him! Things in our life, mine speaking of, have changed what identity I think I have. I strive too hard to be what everyone wants me to be, and it has always back fired on me, and ends up being exactly what I was trying to avoid, because I shouldn't be what everyone else wants, I need to be what God wants, and be how he Created me to be. This is probably the hardest thing for me to do in my life. I have been through some rough stuff that has reshaped my life, personality, and socialness. I find myself acting a different way around certain people to "fit" in, and that bothers me more than anything. I'm trusting God to help me be confident in who I am, because He sees me perfectly. Yes, there are a lot of things that I need to work on with myself, because someone told me there is always room for improvement, and I know I can strive to be better. My identity really isn't mine, it's God, I live for Him, not myself.

Honesty, so They Say is the Best Policy

I'm pretty good at holding things in, but holding myself together outside. I'm good at pretending, and I feel as if most people are gifted at this too. Maybe holding some things in is okay, but not all. I've had many situations in my life where a relationship wasn't going as planned, or had fallen apart, and looking back on it, it has been because of honesty, or shall I say the lack of honesty. I feel like it is easier to pretend everything is okay with people to avoid conflict, or arguments, it's easier to smile, small talk when around them, and ignore the problems gnawing at your heart. So many people, including myself, run from problems, conflict, and who blames them, right? No one wants to argue, or hurt and be hurt. But in the end, you will still be hurting, whether you are the one hurting or doing the hurting to another. I have had to learn the hard way, that being honest with people makes your heart content, your life easier to bare, and your walk with God stronger. Forgiving is a big part in honesty, if you can't have someone be honest with you under any circumstance, and you can't forgive them, well, you must be dealing with a lot of hurt, which I find always leads back to the whole, "If I had just been honest to begin with...." I'm in a spot in my life where I am trying to figure out who I am, who I will become, and what God has in store for my, what seems unpredictable, future, and my relationships to be honest, see what I did there, have been on the rocks lately. I can't help but feels its because I haven't been completely honest with people about how I feel, maybe with how they act, or I act, or when my feelings get hurt. It's probably the same on their side too, I've done something wrong, and they know it, but yet, don't say anything about it. Honesty is said to be the best policy, and I know for myself I'm going to be trailing back to the paths I've left broken my not being honest, and try to repave them, and only hope to mend them back completely, with contentment and trust.

Wandering Wonders

Do you ever just ponder on why you think so much? Or how much you really say, I wonder... I think too much, and I wonder about anything you could possibly wonder. Sometimes I wish I didn't though, I wish I could just stop my brain from wondering about whatever it wonders. The wonders flow through our head, the wander, here, there, everywhere. I think wondering is good, to an extent. you have to wonder to learn sometimes, but I do think we wonder about unnecessary things that I ponder and wish I hadn't. It's also fascinating to think of what wondering really is? We are thinking of things, sometimes, that have never happened, or we haven't seen to be true? Or that could possibly not even be real. How does that make sense? I wonder, see, there it is again, wonder, if it is just our imagination, or our dreams, our personalities, or if we were just made to wonder? They are everywhere though, our wonders, I know mine wander everywhere around my head, my dreams, and some even in my heart. I ponder them too much, and try to make them a reality. In some way, that's okay, and probably a good thing, but other times, I just wonder why I can't stop wondering.

The Story of You

I have this funny feeling, something won't stop trickling in and out of my heart and mind.

It's a story I go back to from time to time.

"It begins with me and ends with you.

I told myself to hold my breath, it never seemed right.

But I couldn't stop myself, because the dangerous feelings I had were all so new.

So I let myself go, but heard a whisper that said hold on tight."

I thought I knew what I was doing, what I was feeling.

I thought you knew too.

But while I did the falling, you did the stealing, and you never cared from the beginning.

You never knew what you were doing to me, and that's where I went wrong.

It's funny how I thought I could stay strong, but when it came to this I only felt lost.

Because these wonderful feelings were just so wrong.

"It began with me and ended with you.

I didn't hold my breath even though it didn't seem right.

I didn't stop myself from the feelings that were new.

I let myself go and ignored the whisper that told me to hold on tight."

It's a story I can easily tell, because I remember it all so well.

You taught me to listen to that whisper that told me to never let go.

I'm a Junior....Where Has the Time Gone?

It's Junior year, a new year. Eleventh grade, but seriously, where has the time gone? I have two years of my highschool career left and before I know it, I'll be graduating! But, for right now I want to slow down life and not think about that, just live for the moment that I'm in. I've been scared of Junior year since my Freshman year, everyone just talked about how hard, stressful, and tiresome eleventh grade was. Now that it is here, I don't even know how I feel about it. All summer I just tried to keep the thoughts of the upcoming school year out of my head, I wouldn't even talk to people about it. But, as I talked to God about it, I realized that even thought this will be a challenging, stressful year, I'm going to make it the best year. I want to make awesome memories, and achieve goals. I have many different goals that I want to accomplish this year, training harder, eating better, growing more spiritually, make straight A's, and many more. All of these goals are going to be quite difficult, but with God, awesome friends and family, I know I can do it. Thinking about this upcoming year makes me tired, but I'm so excited about it too! I am taking some difficult classes this year, that really scare me, and with one of my goals being that I make straight A's, it just blows my mind. Part of me, the negative side, wants to believe that this is an impossible goal to achieve. But, I need to focus on what God tells me and I know that the scripture I will turn to this year will be Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" I'm nervous, but this will be an awesome year!

A Best Friend is the Best

I've had plenty of friends in my life. Sure, I've even called a lot of them best friends. But, sadly, none of them are still my friends. It is not for reasons like, I moved away, or they moved away, no, something always happened. They either got mad at me and "hated" me or just moved on. But as you grow up you realize it isn't important to have many friends, but to have a few good, close ones. To this day, I have a true best friend. No matter what I could do, say, or anything to make her not be my friend. Trust me, I've messed up so many times. Yes, we do get mad at each other, but never for very long, we just can't. She is one of the truest friends in the world! I can trust her with everything and we always laugh until we cry when we are together! We can just look at eachother and know what we are thinking. A best friend is so great to have, especially when you have one like mine! She is crazy, but I wouldn't trade her for anything else....well, maybe some candy. :)